All right.
# Hey #
# Everybody get naked #
# Shake it, shake it, shake it #
Oh, yeah! Ride the pony.
# Shake it, shake it, shake it #
You know you want it. You know it.
Tap it! Tap it!
# Mercy, shake it, shake it, shake it #
You're so weird.
# I love you #
Ride the pony!
# Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah #
Duck is perfect, Mom.
My favorite is the acorn squash.
It's in season now.
It's nice.
Oh-oh-oh-oh.
I missed that one.
It's good luck.
- You have to swallow it. - That's right. Swallow it.
It's all yours.
You can't disrespect the hunt.
Swallow it.
No.
Yes.
No.
Swallow it!
No! Swallow it.
No. Eat it!
- No! - Swallow it, you ingrate!
John, please! We're at the dinner table.
I'm sorry, okay? But he has absolutely no respect
for this family and everything we've done for him.
I mean, he wouldn't even have a job if it weren't for you!
He's executive vice president.
Executive vice president? Of what?
Human resources?
A position that we created specifically for him!
Shut up, John!
Since Bill's been at the bank, unemployment claims are down 41%.
That's because he never fires anyone!
And why are you defending him?
Pathetic. Unbelievable.
If you were my wife, I would leave you.
No one is leaving.
No one's leaving.
No one is leaving anyone.
I'm running for mayor.
What?
I'm announcing it at the club picnic,
and I expect all of you to behave like a family.
Now, does everyone understand what I'm saying? Jessica?
Yes, Daddy.
Now, who wants to get the fireworks?
I'll get them.
Just don't screw it up.
You know, when my dad finds out you made a tape,
and it's on the internet, he's gonna freak.
Well, maybe he won't find out.
He's running for mayor.
Mm-hmm. And I told you.
Let's get coffee.
No. No, I'm too stressed.
Come on. It'll be a good distraction.
Yeah, all right.
It's gonna be okay. Come on.
What happened to the girl who didn't give a shit about what anybody thought?
Where is the Jess who used to go commando under her uniform
and flash me outside of science class,
even though Jenny Bradley called her a slut?
And Jenny Bradley was a slut!
Bill?
Hey! Hey!
What the heck are you doing here?
Um, just, you know, having a little late-night coffee.
Really?
So you coming by the store tomorrow?
Uh, maybe tomorrow night after work.
Yeah?
Make sure you ask for me.
Lucy.
Yeah, exactly.
So I'll see you then.
- Lucy works at the mall, doesn't she? - Mm-hmm.
You know what I could really go for right now?
A doughnut.
What?
Fresh out of the oven. Milk-chocolate icing.
Think how successful Krispy Kreme is.
Yeah. They are.
If we had one of those, we would never have to worry about your father again.
What are you talking about?
Doughnut franchises are extremely lucrative.
Yeah, but who the hell wants a doughnut franchise?
Who the hell wants a doughnut franchise?
Bill, listen, you gotta do something about the tape.
What can I do?
Seven million teens have probably already downloaded it.
Oh, God.
I feel sick.
I don't know what he's doing here.
It's okay. Go on.
Go on. I understand.
I don't think I can handle another "deranged fan" with him anyway.
Are you seeing that girl?
I told you, I just met her.
She obviously likes you.
Do you like her?
She sells underwear. She's nice.
Okay. Okay. Bye.
What are you doing?
Pretty good, huh?
This isn't a competition, Bill.
Okay.
Oh, I gotta stop smoking that chronic.
Nice mentoring, Bill!
Roser the poser looks pissed.
He probably couldn't punch out his algorithm this morning.
Was she jealous?
Yeah, she was.
I knew it. I knew it.
It's only a matter of time now.
- Is she coming to see the SweetSweets? - I don't think so.
Yes, she is.
It's never gonna work. Of course it is.
This is my wife.
Nice to meet you.
Likewise.
All righty, then.
Let's get started.
And now we put the topping on them.
We got glazed, chocolate, and sprinkles.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry. It looked so good.
Hey, Lucy tried it, too.
- Who's Lucy? - I don't know.
He has an imaginary friend... Lucy.
Well, we're gonna have to throw all that away now.
I'll just take it home.
- No. That's against company policy. - What?
- Frosting can't leave the building? - It's a secret recipe.
All right. If you're gonna throw it away, here. Try it.
It's good.
Ahh.
I'm not eating sugar right now.
I'll take you guys over to the boxing section,
and then, uh, set you up at the register.
I'll have six chocolate and two vanilla and three cherry.
No, make that two chocolate.
She looks a little young to be his wife.
Jane, who gives a shit, all right?
We need to move some of these franchises.
He could be a huge asset to us.
Don't cuss at me.
I am trying to protect your interest also.
I'm sorry.
I just think sometimes you have unreasonable expectations.
There you go.
Actually, I said six chocolate.
Maybe you should consider laying off the chocolate.
Hey. He's just kidding. He wants the chocolate ones for himself.
Okay, so that will be, uh, 8.63, please.
I already gave you a coupon for the free dozen.
Dude, the last thing you need is the free dozen.
There you go. There's your change.
Have a SweetSweet day.
Bill, why do you want a doughnut store? This place sucks.
Let me tell you something, kid.
Working sucks, okay?
Working sucks!
It doesn't matter if you're in a bank, a department store, or a doughnut factory,
because once you've been there long enough, the only thing you'll care about
is when your next pay increase is, how many vacation days you've accrued,
and if your health insurance is gonna pay for the cholesterol medicine
that keeps your heart pumping no matter how much shit you work through it.
Then, after you've gained 20 or 30 pounds because you're so fucking uptight all the time,
you wake up and discover that you're working for your father-in-law
in a position with a gratuitous title, and you're totally replaceable.
And not only is the new guy better at your job,
but he's got a better car and better jokes and better hair!
So no matter what you do,
you make sure you make a lot of money doing it,
because it all sucks!
And that is one lesson I, as your mentor, can teach you.
Whoa.
How are you? Step right on up here.
What would you like today, my little friend? A glazed doughnut?
Well, if you have any questions, you can call us at home.
Okay.
Otherwise, we'll send down the paperwork on Monday. Congratulations.
- Okay. - Hey, Lucy has to be home by 6.
Who's Lucy? His imaginary friend.
- All right, then. We'll talk Monday. - All right.
Take care.
Bye.
So are these for, like, baby announcements?
Aah!
You think that's funny?
Come on. Bring them on.
Oh, yeah?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Come on!
No guts!
Look at my little friend.
Damn, my thumb! I lost my thumb!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Where's your thumb?
Lucy, you guys, help him find his thumb!
You guys, where is his thumb?
It's just ketchup.
You're dead.
Oh! Oh, my God! No!
# Let it loose #
# It's modern man #
Okay, so, uh, let's take two of those boxes,
five of the Froggers,
two of the big fountains,
a couple dozen of those, uh, crackers, and, uh, some rockets.
That'll be good. Do you have a bathroom here?
- Uh, yeah, it's in the back. - Okay.
Uh, you know what?
Double that.
Dude, you want insane?
Try the Crack Pipe
and the k-k-k-k-k-k... yaah...
Hyper Coaster.
Right on.
You know what?
Pack those together so he won't know.
I'm excited. You excited? Get excited.
I'm excited.
I think you have a thing for Miss SweetSweet.
I do? Yeah. I don't know.
It seemed like... She hates me.
I don't know. She was so...
- Seemed like she was kind of into you. - She's insane.
Oh, really? Tasting her chocolate.
That was hysterical.
You know what? Thanks for coming along.
No problem. You know, I, uh... I actually had a pretty good time.
What can I say? I'm fun.
I am.
Congratulations, man.
Yeah? Well, I still have to convince Jess to buy into a doughnut franchise.
You already did all the work. Just tell her how much cash she makes.
All she has to do is sign a piece of paper.
Jess doesn't do anything without her father's permission.
She sounds lame, man.
Give that to me.
# Young and useless #
# Just a surprise #
# Wasting away #
# What we're doing this time #
# Yes, these are #
# The best days of our lives # Laura. Laura.
Laura, can we climb your wall?
# And I feel #
# Real #
- # Cool # - Bill.
Hey, Bill, apologize!
Apologize!
- What the hell are you doing? - Oh!
What are you, high?
Would you get down? Bring 'em down.
What are you, high?
Hey, "This is going to be a great program" guy.
# Everything's all right #
I just scored on myself.
Watch this. Watch this one. Laura, watch closely.
Hey, Paul, you wanna play?
Come on. We'll kick your ass.
Oh, Jesus. Everything has to be a competition with you, doesn't it?
Oh! We're just having fun.
I'm serious. That's why Chip Johnson
and the whole acorn thing drive you so crazy.
Take it easy, Rose Man.
It's just air hockey, okay, Paul?
Really? Well, it's in the pool as well.
Just take him home.
Take him home. To his house or to our house?
Okay, don't start, okay?
Sergeant, forget it.
Please, I can take a hint.
Roser the poser can't handle a competition.
Bill...
No, really.
I don't need to live with you guys.
Come on.
- I don't know why you said that. - Can't you see that's his problem?
His life is falling apart. Where's your sympathy?
You always take his side.
He's my brother. For obvious reasons, he's having an identity crisis.
Remember what that feels like?
Cheers, kid.
Cheers, Bill.
Off the wall. Hook shot.
You suck.
You know, I have to turn in a paper on banking to get my final grade.
Does it cover the variables of office basketball?
Very impressive.
I'm just surprised he's not paying someone to write it for him.
Maybe he should stop paying people to write papers for him.
Cheap shot. Bill's right.
You know, it's only money.
Not if you're the one making it. Yeah.
Hey, what are you doing here?
l... I came to see my dad.
Um, then I just thought I'd stop by.
What's going on?
Nothing.
l... I was gonna see if you were doing anything later tonight, um,
and you are.
You're busy, so... Why don't you hang out?
No, thanks. l...
No, I have to go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You suck.
You both suck.
Okay.
Come on.
Okay.
Can you drive around for just a little bit longer?
No, I can't. All right. Yeah.
We'll go back to your place, then.
I'm dropping you off.
What? What? Come on. Come on.
You gotta let me sleep over. Like, I'm not kidding.
Please, dude, you gotta do this for me.
You have to. She'll call one of her friends.
She's calling one of her friends right now. She's doing it.
You've only had sex with one person your entire life.
Would you sh... Now, you can change that.
Tonight, right now. Mm-hmm.
You can change it.
Cool tent.
Thanks.
So do you live here for real?
Yeah. Um, temporarily.
Hey, do you get any, like, wild animals out here?
We're in a backyard.
All right. Hey, take this.
Now be careful. That's White Widow.
It's really strong.
It's good. Trust me.
Put on some music.
Come on, we're dancing.
Get up. Come on. Get up. Give me your hand.
Lucy? Lucy, my hand. Take my hand, Lucy.
Get up.
Bill, dance. Come on.
Hold on.
Come on, Bill. Get up.
Come on, Bill. Come on.
Come on, Billy.
Come on.
Bill, dance with us.
He'll be sorry.
Whoo-hoo!
# I am the storm #
# I am the wonder #
# I am the flashlight #
# I twist, sudden explosion #
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
What's going on out there?
Let him have some fun.
It's 10:30.
Go do some sit-ups.
No.
Do not tell him. It's a secret.
Wait. Wait.
I have a really good secret.
I got fake boobs.
No way. You slut.
I know!
I love that bra.
And then the matching panties with the little bows at the sides.
Oh, my God.
Fucking sweet.
Can I touch 'em? Of course.
Oh, my God.
Me, too. Mm-mm.
What?
Oh, my God. Bill, don't you wanna touch these?
Don't you wanna feel them?
They look nice.
Come on.
Come on. Just once.
What are you doing?
Making coffee.
Put some pants on. You look like a Froot Loop.
It's actually pretty comfortable.
Don't you have school?
It's Saturday.
The picnic.
Don't worry, I'm making the coffee.
Jesus.
Ugh!
Again.
Always stick close to me.
When I'm walking, you always have to be close to me.
You guys, we gotta get Jess out of here.
Sarah brought Jim and Jane.
Come on.
Jess?
I said 50 yards.
This doesn't concern you.
I can't believe you have the nerve to bring her here.
- Sir, you're gonna have to step back. - It's not what it looks like, Jessica.
Let go of me. Meet me at the back entrance.
Back... Okay. Come on, Lucy, let's go. Come on.
Hi. I'll be right back. I'm just gonna check on security.
Get in.
Your order said 50 yards.
Um, could I have everyone's attention, please, ladies and gentlemen?
Ladies and gentlemen. Ahem.
It's almost time for me to introduce my father, Mr. John Jacobi.
Right. But first I'd like to, uh, take a quick look back
to the year 1902.
As legend has it, there wasn't even a road that, uh, would get you here,
and once you did get here, well, there wasn't that much to see.
It was only through our family's perseverance and foresight that we were...
What's going on?
Bill!
That was fucking awesome.
Did you see the crack pipe?
Yes, I saw the crack pipe.
What I want to know is how it got in my car.
You gotta admit it was the highlight of the show.
If I could stand up straight, I'd kill you.
I gotta get some of those crack pipes for homecoming.
Why don't you focus on something productive?
Having fun is productive.
Let's get out of here.
You look like shit.
Wanna stop at Big Bun? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah, let's do that.
I'll take a double supreme, large fries, and a soda.
No, I don't want to stop at the Big Bun.
I'm just kidding.
You're not still mad about the crack pipe, are you?
Shut up and drive.
Asshole!
#... never wanna say good night #
# There's nothing left to say #
# Before we go #
# We will sing #
# That we're all in love with you #
I'm gonna go check in. You wait in the lobby.
Okay.
You haven't figured one thing out.
I've got one or two in there.
No, you don't.
Thanks for coming.
I don't mind.
See? You like hanging out with me.
Of course I like hanging out with you.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, your obsession with women's underwear is kind of creepy.
There's nothing creepy about that.
You're kind of a stalker.
Here, I've been meaning to give that to you.
Whoa. What's this for?
You don't have to pay me to be your friend.
I want to be.
Thanks.
I'd like to be your friend, too.
I gotta go check up on Bill.
All right.
Whoa. Whoa.
Just friends.
I get it.
Okay.
- I get it. - Okay.
Hey.
Sneaky little shit.
Oh, my God. Will you put that thing away?
You're gonna break it. Oh.
Hey. Thank God you called.
The entire club is out looking for you.
The fourth hole is totally on fire.
I heard.
My father had to cancel his announcement.
He's furious. I don't know what I'm gonna tell him this time.
You know what?
We've spent enough time worrying about your father.
The truth is I don't care what he thinks about me.
Bill... No.
Did you know that every single day all I can think about
is how much I hate working for him?
I should've said something a long time ago.
Before this whole Chip Johnson thing.
He's a total action news idiot.
What? The guy's an idiot.
He's right. He is an idiot.
Fine, he's an idiot.
But then, so what?
This whole doughnut thing is a new career?
Oh, God, Jim and Jane.
They're going to think I'm insane.
Yeah, they were a little confused when I told them I was your wife.
Well, that's because I had to tell them that you're Lucy,
or Lucy was you, so that they would get the deal done,
but I don't think I have a doughnut franchise in my future.
Jess...
I love you.
But our lives suck.
Can I give you a ride?
No. I have one.
Ohh...
I'd like to tender my resignation,
effective immediately.
And I know my opinion is of little consequence to you,
but, uh...
I think hunting defenseless animals for sport is...
it's wrong.
Oh.
And, uh, John Jr. was right.
I don't belong here.
You know what? I would have done exactly the same thing
to that Chip Johnson fellow.
Good luck to you, Bill.
Thank you, sir.
Hi. They're waiting for you.
...there is, we're on the corner...
Hi.
Your wife was just sharing some of her ideas with us.
Well, every partnership has its up and downs.
The important thing is that you're able to stick it out.
I don't think we've ever seen anyone
so committed to getting one of our franchises.
We did it.
You did it.
You look great.
Are you happy?
I am happy.
But not because of the doughnuts.
You know, before you got here,
I was going to tell them I didn't want the franchise anymore.
I think you should keep it.
Why?
Because I don't think this is the life that I want.
I don't want to be the doughnut guy.
I don't want to be the bank guy.
Quite frankly, I'm kind of...
sick of being the deranged fan guy.
Okay.
You can be whoever you want.
Hey.
It's your grade.
I can't believe you're not going to mentor me anymore.
Kid, you don't need a mentor. You got it all figured out.
Sometimes. But hey, I'm still going to miss hanging out with you.
I'll miss you, too, kid.
But listen to me, and this is important.
I don't want you to float through life pretending nothing matters
because trust me, one day you're going to wake up,
and you're going to realize you don't have the life you wanted.
You understand?
I understand, Bill.
Good. All right, I have to go.
Where are you going?
I don't know, but I'm excited to find out.
Thanks, kid.
Can I come visit?
Check your locker.
Are you excited?
Holy shit.
# I know it's easier to give up your dreams #
# And to be yourself is harder than it seems #
# How can I change the world if I can't change myself? #
# I guess the only thing I can do is take the first step #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# I know the world is cruel to the dreamer's heart #
# And to find yourself alone is the hardest part #
# How can I save the world if I can't save myself? #
# I guess my own two hands #
# Are the only thing I can count on now #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# And all this time I looked outside #
# For all the things I had inside #
# And now my fears just disappear #
# I'm gonna go on building #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #
# Out of the dark, I'll find my way #
# I'm gonna light up the brightest light #